A Crisis of Faith

I wish I weren't writing this right now. I'd kept my mouth shut about it up until this point because I figured—or at least, hoped—that maybe if I just swept it under the rug and pretended everything was fine, it would all just go away and I could go on with my life being a good little Christian. But it didn't, and I can't.

I'm not sure of anything anymore. I don't know if I can call myself a Christian. I'm not sure how to even define the word "Christian" anymore. Christ-like? Which Christ? The one who told us to love one another as we love ourselves, and treat others as we would like to be treated? Or the son of the "God" who ordered the mass murder of entire civilizations—women and children explicitly included—on multiple occasions?

If that is the God who created us all and has sovereign reign over all the earth, why did He create nearly all of us with consciences which conflict so sharply with the aforementioned events which he commanded and orchestrated? Even if one wishes to take a slightly liberal interpretation of Scripture and simply write off the Old Testament as being no longer applicable today, it doesn't change the fact that it's still there, and if the Bible is to be believed, horrific events such as those were and are holy, just, and right.

No. I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that a supposed omnibenevolent God could be the author of such filth, could be responsible for multiple acts of mass genocide—which, by the way, if the Bible is to be believed, would not only have been effective in wiping all of those men, women, children and infants from the face of the planet, but giving them all a one-way ticket to Hell, to be tortured mercilessly for the rest of their eternal existence.

This is love? This is the same God who told us that being angry with our brother without cause was a grave sin? Who told us to forgive one another of personal offenses every time forgiveness is requested? Who instructed us to not even speak too harshly with one another, but to teach and correct error in a patient and loving manner? Who told us to love others to the same extent that Christ loved us, that he was willing to give his life for us?

Matthew 7
¹²"So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets. (ESV)

Matthew 22
³⁴But when the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. ³⁵And one of them, a lawyer, asked him a question to test him. ³⁶"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" ³⁷And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. ³⁸This is the great and first commandment. ³⁹And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. ⁴⁰On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets." (ESV)

Really, now? The summary of the Law and the prophets is that we love God and love one another? That we treat each other the way we'd like to be treated? Then what of this:

Numbers 31
¹⁴And Moses was angry with the officers of the army, the commanders of thousands and the commanders of hundreds, who had come from service in the war. ¹⁵Moses said to them, "Have you let all the women live? ¹⁶Behold, these, on Balaam's advice, caused the people of Israel to act treacherously against the LORD in the incident of Peor, and so the plague came among the congregation of the LORD. ¹⁷Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man by lying with him. ¹⁸But all the young girls who have not known man by lying with him keep alive for yourselves. (ESV)

That's certainly not how I'd like to be treated. It certainly doesn't seem like love, as defined by the New Testament in places like 1 Corinthians 13 and John 15:13. And this isn't just one isolated incident, either. Such God-ordained acts of conquest are sprinkled throughout the Old Testament.

Taking a look at these and other Old Testament laws in comparison with the New Testament's incessant teachings of love, it's difficult not to come to the conclusion that the two are horribly inconsistent mish-mashes of man-made laws and ideals, one from a primitive, barbaric civilization, and another from a culture slightly more advanced in ideology, but both grounded in the same basic belief in God. To be frank, it's bullshit, and I can't just continue to blindly cling to the notion that this fallible, errant book is the infallible, inerrant word of God just because that's what I've been taught for eighteen years of my life. I wish desparately that I could go on doing so, but I can't.

The past few weeks I've been praying—begging, even—that God would reveal himself to me, whoever and whatever he is. That he would teach me the truth, and solidify it in my heart. So far, this has been the result. Confusion, dispair, uncertainty... agnosticism, really. So what's the answer? Does God not exist? Can he not hear me? Does he not want me? Is he an advocate of free-will and thus leaving me to my own devices? Is he allowing me to go through a temporary period of uncertainty so that when I come out of it I can be more steadfast in my faith, whatever it is or will be? Time will tell, I guess.